Ask Bely H July 2010

Written by Bely H.

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Dear Bely, Im a single girl who is dating around and looking for the perfect guy. Currently I am talking to a few guys and dating a few of them as well. My friends say that I shouldn’t talk to more than one guy because its messed up of me to fool them into thinking they are the only one. Thing is, that I never tell them they are the only one I am talking to-they assume that all on their own. Im not trying to be a player or anything, Im just talking to a few guys and eliminating them as time goes by in hopes of narrowing my search to one guy thats perfect for me. Is it wrong of me to talk to more than one guy?

Liliana -Compton, Ca

I think many women have the tendency to browse around before connecting with that one guy thats going to take things to the next level. Keeping your options open can be crucial to who you’ll engage in a relationship with. Everyone is entitled to their own privacy, so it is really your choice if you want to share with your potential the fact that he isn’t the only one you are dating or speaking to. However, it might be a better turn-out if you’re just honest from the start and let him know that you are not in a relationship and are single, so for now you are looking around to see if you find someone who you can take serious. My own rule of thumb: Don’t ask, don’t tell. If he doesn’t ask you about how exclusive you two are, then there is no need to reveal that he isn’t the only fish in your ocean. Beside, a woman should date plenty of men and talk to a lot of them as well. You don’t want to settle for the first one that comes along. The point of dating lots of different men is to pick-out what you like in a man and watch out for what you don’t like. A girl can be talking to 10 different guys and by the end of the month she will have narrowed it to three guys-her top three. And shortly after that, that top three will have hopefully filtered down to one winner-only if, you haven’t added a better selection that tops the boys an your pre-existing list. Women go through men rather quickly not because we are players but because we know what we want. There’s no need to make unnecessary pit stops on our way to finding the guy we are looking for. A woman knows what qualities we want in our man. It’s not wrong to talk more than one guy, if you’re not exclusively involved with any of them. Looking for the next one is like shopping for shoes, we try all of them on before we buy the right pair.

So, I met this guy recently and we’ve been hanging out. Well, we were alone at my place hanging out when things started getting hot and before I knew it we had gone all the way. Next thing I know, he’s saying we are moving too fast. I tell him that I like him and that Im fine with taking things slow. He tells me he’s not looking for anything serious. But if he’s not looking for a serious relationship, then why does it matter if we are moving too fast or too slow? Now all it is, is a booty call. Should I cut him off or keep him around to play with?

Sally -Downey, Ca

This situation couldn’t get any more black and white. And you hit it on the ball by recognizing what it is; nothing more than a booty call. Im sure you two had a blast hanging out but he already had his mind set on what he wanted. If he is telling you that things are moving too fast and is not looking for anything serious, then like you said it really doesn’t matter how fast or slow things go. But in other words what he is telling you is ‘thank you but no thank you’ in a very nice way. He is creating space and more than likely hoping you wont get clingy so that he’ll still be able to call you up for a late night delight. This is entirely your decision whether you want send him home or let him score home. It seems that you are the one that got her bubble burst when he pulled this lame excuse on you. If you were feeling him, then its probably best if you let him go otherwise you might get your feelings hurt in the long run. Instead of waiting on him, go and do you. At the very least have a blockbuster night and watch ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’-you just might find it insightful.

Dear Bely, I have a problem with my father. Im a 23 year old college graduate and landed a great job through a once in a life time opportunity. I work for an non-profit organization and it entitles me to attend many fundraisers and social functions. I currently live at home and was hoping to start saving to move out because I can no longer stand the constant bickering between my father and I. Sometimes, these events may run late into the night and my father loses his temper when i walk in after midnight. I respect him very much and I understand that I must obey his rules while I am living under his roof, but is all his lecturing really necessary? I am an adult and I am not out partying; I am working. If he keeps this up, I am afraid I will not only let him affect my job but jeopardize the future I may have at my company or career overall. What should I do, Bely? Do I listen or go through the fire just to get the job done? Its my life, right? I feel he is sabotaging me.

Soleira -Corpus Christi, TX

A mandatory meeting needs to be had. Sit your dad down and explain to him how important your career is to you. Explain to him that you are not out partying and that when you are out, you are truly working. Maybe he feels insecure about your whereabouts. Make him comfortable. Ask him if there is anything you can do on your behalf to make him feel more at ease about you’re business outings. You can even go as far as inviting him to one of your events-if permitted, that way he can see what goes on at these gatherings. Reassure him that you respect him and his house rules, but some exceptions need to be done. Try and reach a compromise. If all else fails, then regretfully inform him in a very calm way that you’ll have no choice than to move out so that you can be successful. You are not a young immature girl, you are the opposite. You are a college grad, with what sounds like a great job and bright career, who is obviously very respectful and considerate of her father otherwise I doubt you would be worried as much as you are. Lets not forget that you are 23, a full blown adult who is trying to find and make her way. Parents sometimes have a hard time letting go. Letting go means they are less needed in their child’s life. But parents forget that they do that to themselves when they do such good jobs at raising their kids. Give your papa a hug. Im sure thats all he needs. And smile.

There’s a guy I am in love with but we don’t have the best situation. Although we are both very much into each other, life at the moment does not allow us to be together. However, he seems to string me along. He is unable to tell me his stance on any future relationship we may have. He doesn’t tell me if he see’s us together in a year or five. Meanwhile, he is a sweet as can be with me and doesn’t hesitate to show how much he cares. When we are together, we are together. But we cant seem to get past that and on to the next level. I am afraid that I’ll never feel what I feel again in my lifetime and I don’t want to wonder about what could have been, so I keep waiting and at times keep hurting. Should I turn my back on what I feel for him only because my family and friends tell me I deserve better or do I stick it out so that I’ll never wonder about the what if’s?

Lupe

Phoenix, AZ

When one is blinded by feelings induced by love its hard to break away from what you feel. Your friends and family may actually be telling you the truth because they know you deserve better and no one should be treated less than what they are worth. But no matter what they tell you or how many times they try and make you see, only you can choose to listen. If he cant outline what is next for the both of you in the near future, it could be a possibility that he cant see you in his future. If thats the case, you don’t want to him to string you along. Time is precious and while your are here waiting on him, mr. right could be waiting on you. Don’t be anyones door mat. You also can’t assume that you’ll never feel the same way for someone again, if you don’t venture off. If he is meant for you, then he will be there when he or things are ready to come together. You, can, wait for him and give him time until he see’s thing more clearly but relationships shouldn’t be complicated. You’re either into the person or you’re not. Where there is a will there is a way. Talk to your love interest and have an honest heart to heart. Don’t hold back on any feelings or concerns you may be suppressing. Its going to hurt, if years from now you’re the one hanging on and waiting for something to happen, while he has a change of heart and moves on. Be realistic. Think things through.