Five years ago, I lost my best friend in a car accident on our way back from Vegas. His girl, my friend and myself grew up together. They were getting married. A week before the wedding, we went to celebrate his last weekend as bachelor. His cousin was driving and fell asleep at the wheel. Ill spare the details, to say the least, he didn’t survive. I was a Marine at the time and took off to resume my duties shortly after the funeral. I came back from time to time to visit my family and check in on his family too, and his fiance. I hadn’t seen her in almost 3 years until last month. We met up to catch up and turned into talking almost everyday now. Our conversations are mostly about my friend and memories or things that have happened since we last spoke. But I have begun to take interest in her and see her in a way I’ve never seen her before. I’m stuck now. I don’t know what to do now. I feel like I am disrespecting my friend by taking an interest in his girl. Should I give us an opportunity or respect my friend and keep my feelings for his girl to myself?
-Jose Lake Elsinore, CA
I can’t help but think how this reminds me of a scene in the movie Pearl Harbor how the guy dies and his best friend begins to develop feelings for his deceased friend’s girl. Everyone tells him who better than him to date his best friends girl. I agree with this idea and don’t think there is anything wrong if both of you are on the same page. She could be talking to any other guy but she’s talking to you. You should come clean and reveal your feelings to her. Ultimately its her decision whether she wants to take things further or keep you as just a friend. The problem with today is that people are too worried about how others will perceive them. If you allow others opinions to alter how you feel and affect your next move, then you’re allowing them to manifest your destiny. Should anyone have a problem with the relationship you want to engage together, have them deal with it. In the end it’s you and her, not you and everyone.
I met this girl online a few months ago and the chemistry was great. The only thing was that I live here in Massachusetts and she lives in California. That wasn’t so bad because I’m going to visit family in California and coincidentally she lives 30 min from where I’ll be staying. However, since we stopped talking I am no longer single and in a new relationship. My trip was postponed until now. Ill be in California in 2 weeks and I have asked her if she would like to finally meet up. I was shocked when she said ‘yes’ and went on to tell me she’s expecting that kiss I promised her when we first met online! I feel bad for wanting to meet up with her. Should I?
Good! You should feel bad for wanting to meet up with her. If I were your girlfriend I’d take great offense to what you were considering and I would strongly reconsider our relationship. Aside from the fact that your trying to have your cake and eat it too, you obviously are interested enough in this girl to where you’d follow through on meeting up with her; disregarding the feelings of the girl who holds the title as your girlfriend. All you are really doing is setting yourself up. Lets say you two meet and she leans forward to claim that kiss you promised her when you were single, what are you going to do? Push her off? Tell her you have a girlfriend? At this point if your meeting up with her you’ve already caused damage. Even contemplating to meet her is damage enough. There is really nothing to think about. Just ask yourself, if you would like your girl meeting up with a guy while you are thousands of miles away back home? No, right? She may never find out, if you actually decide to meet this girl but remember that it can bring consequences. You may leave an open door that could comprise you. There is a possibility that this girl you want to meet can ruin your current relationship by going after you if she is unaware you have a girlfriend or you can slip up if she contacts you and your girl happens to find out. Just think of the consequences and think about what you have. If you don’t care much about your relationship or your girlfriend, then do you. But if you do, don’t sabotage anything good you may have going on. Besides, you’ll be going home after your visit-I highly doubt this internet fling of yours will follow you back home or you move out to California for her. Let it go my friend, just let it go.
I’ve been seeing this guy for 10 months. He has met my whole family and my kids-he has even been to family events. The thing is that he will NOT ask me to be his girlfriend and I don’t know why. Yet he get to bothered when I say I’m going on a date with someone else. I just don’t get it. What’s his deal, Bely?
-Lizzy L.A., CA
Let me make reference to a book I found very interesting and knowledgeable, Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man by Steve Harvey. In one of his chapters he says after a few months of dating, if he still introduces you to his family and boys as his “friend”, then guess what sweetheart? Thats what you are and will be. Nothing more. A guy knows almost automatically what he wants from you and to what level he wants to take the relationship. Honey, if you’ve been stuck in the friend zone for 10 months already, then feel free to bust a move on out that door. He gets jealous when you mention you’re going on dates? Tough luck! It’s fair game. The fact he hasn’t sealed the deal does not make you two exclusive. But I’ll tell you what is not fair, that he keeps you around waiting. What is he afraid of? You having two kids, might be overwhelming him and not necessarily in a bad way. On the contrary of what Mr. Harvey says, it’s gotta mean something that he has stayed around for 10 months. Maybe his reason for staying around is that he really is into you and your kids but he could be second-guessing himself on whether to take-on the whole package and being able to fulfill the requirements of the bread winner, the family man, the father and spouse/boyfriend. If you really care for this guy and obviously you do, have a deep conversation and find the source of why he is stuck on not moving forward. Come to a compromise or conclusion. Also, be a smart woman and mother and think of your kids. The longer he stays around, the more your kids will become attached. If he is not looking into being the man in your life, then its best to cut him out to avoid any painful damage. You already know what to do, just follow your woman intuition.