Monday, 01 March 2010 15:50

Ask Bely H. March10

Written by  Bely H.
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Nine5Four The Magazine: Ask Bely H.Hey Bely,

Ok so I’ve been married for almost 2 yrs. And i just turned 23. We got married at 21 because I got pregnant. Of course at the time it seemed perfect, we were in love. But now I can’t stand him. The word “DIVORCE” comes up in my head every single time we fight and it’s always. I became more independent after I got married so I guess I don’t like being tied down. What do you think I should do? Remember that we have a child together so it’s much harder. No matter what he’s always going to be in my life.

- Maria
Compton, California

There are marriage articles and surveys that will conclude that a marriage is most likely to fail given the attained status of education, maturity, and financial stability. The higher you take your education the more you are able to reason maturely and the better chances you have of being well-off financially. Data From The Center For Disease Control, 2002, Cohabition, Marriage, and Divorce agrees that 48% of marriages before the age of 18 are bound for divorce within a 10 year period and determining that those who marry at or after the age of 25 have a 24% chance of splitting up. In other words, at 21 you still haven’t accomplished all that you want and with a baby your priority has shifted from taking care of yourself to taking care of your child while being forced to grow up on the spot. Most people at 21 are experiencing adulthood, while you were going through the difficult motions of being a mommy to your child, so I can see why you feel like you are being tied down. But like you said your baby’s father will always be in your life, so, whether you stay together or break up, you’ll have to deal with him. However, it is absolutely your choice whether you decide to make it work or decide that parting is best for you and your happiness. It is perfectly healthy for a child to receive love from both parents regardless of the parents remaining a couple or not, but it is not healthy for a child to observe an environment where both parents are constantly fighting. Try speaking to your spouse about how you feel and conclude what is best for everyone in your family. If you want to try and make your marriage work, there are many avenues you can take. For instance: marriage counseling or talking about the issues that trigger and fuel your arguments and find a compromise to avoid future conflicts. If your best judgement calls for divorce, then do what is best for you and your child and trust that you wont be the first nor the last to resort to such measures.

Im a full time retail worker, and I find myself doing a lot of nothing on my days off. There hasn’t been a lot to really inspire me to do anything else. I go out to clubs but I want to do something more productive with my free time. What can I do to jump start my life?


-Lakewood, Ca

I think we all tend to procrastinate and leave insignificant things to attend to at the end, such as chores and errands. Chores and errands not only burden you but also return a sense of accomplishment and self-reward when you are through with them because you are truly being productive-your are getting something done. Going off on the fact that you mentioned that you go clubbing on your free time, I believe that you are seeking to do something more interesting and fun-filled. Think about the things that interest you. For example, if you are interested in music or fashion take up a class at your local community college. You can also do volunteer work. Plenty of people find volunteer work to be a very productive experience. New hobbies are always exciting and you can try something new everyday. Make a list of all your interest and figure out a way to do something productive with it. You can also use your web search engine and add the word volunteer after your hobby, for example: if your hobby is music, search: music volunteer. You can definitely search through various results that could appeal to you and engage in one of them. Be productive, be-be-productive!

Dear Bely, I started talking to a guy and everything was going so well. We hit it off right away. Just a few days later he tells me he needs to tell me something. He tells me that he really likes me and but that he got out of a 3 year relationship two months ago and that he’s not sure if he’s ready for something new yet but that maybe we can be work something out later on. So now I don’t know how to talk to him because he still wants to be friends at the same time.


-Downey, Ca

Three words: Let. It. Go. This is just a big heartache waiting to happen. Don’t let it happen and avoid the trauma and the drama. Its clear he is on the rebound and unless your feel thats all you’re worth, then you should keep it moving. It seems like he is not over his last break-up and is only looking for someone to carry him over the hard times...the loneliness. Pay attention, by telling you that he isn’t ready for a relationship but that you can work something out later, he is already treating you like a mat. Don’t let him walk over you. Don’t allow him to build you up and bring you down. If friends is what you decide to be, then get to know each other as friends and maybe in the future something can come of it. But in my personal opinion once feelings are involved, it is hard to just be friends because one of you will always seek to make more of it and complicate the situation, possibly destroying whatever friendship you may have. Its all or nothing. You shouldn’t invest your time and emotions in someone who can’t return any kind of mutual feelings you desire to receive. Its a sea full of fishes, go catch another one. You’ll be fine.

Last modified on Wednesday, 01 February 2012 11:31

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