Monday, 28 September 2009 12:08

Ask Bely H.

Written by  Bely H.
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Dear Bely,

My job and personality require me to be a social butterfly because it is the nature of my business. However, it is becoming an issue in my relationship. My boyfriend is a great guy but is not use to a girl being out and about all the time. What can I do?

-Donna

East Los Angeles, Ca

Ok, baby girl, I am just going to go ahead and put two and two together and assume your Mexican, since your writing to me from East Los; which is predominantly populated by Mexicans. In which case, your job is very important to you. As a Mexican woman myself, I know that the Mexican culture encourage our women to cater as opposed to lead which is influence by “macho” or chauvinist ideals. If your “great boyfriend” is Mexican as well, then you being out and about all the time are not going to sit well with him because behavior like this is frowned upon in this culture. Now that we’ve reviewed where the issue may be stemming from I suggest you talk to him. Communication is key. If he is the great guy you know he is, then he will understand. Many of the times issues like these cause turmoil in a relationship due to insecurities. You can ask him to accompany you when you go on your social butterfly outings. This will enable an avenue of trust, making him feel you aren’t hiding anything from him. If he accepts your invitation, it will help him visually understand in-person what it is you do and what happens when you are out and in lack of his presence. Most men give themselves self-re-assurance when they know they are publicly recognized alongside their partner-it’s like marking their territory. Having him go with you can make a world of a difference in diminishing this issue of yours. Like I said before insecurity is where these issues rise from and I believe that if your partner is feeling insecure you are doing something to make them feel that way. So, always make time for some TLC and let him know that this is your job and you aren’t going anywhere. Where there is a will, there is a way and where there is love, there is nothing you cannot conquer.


My girlfriend lives with me and I live with my mom but I want her to leave because she never wants to do anything! She doesn’t help around the house, she hates my dog and I don’t want be with her anymore! What can I do to kick her out without kicking her out? Please help me!

-How to kick my girl out

Hollywood, Ca

Wowzerz! I can tell you are pretty frustrated by the use of exclamation marks after each one of your sentences. So have no fear! Bely’s here! And these are for you:!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but this relationship is dead and gone. You have already made a decision, now all you are lacking is a bit of courage to deliver the news. You aren’t a mind reader and she isn’t one either. Unless you break it down for her, using the “ignoring tactic” on her until she gets the picture to move out on her own, just won’t do. And in turn she is using this same tactic on you by not being helpful around the home and disliking your pet in hopes to get you to move out of your mothers’ house and have you all to her. It seems that she is ready for a deeper commitment-one that you are not prepared to take. Talk to your soon to be ex-girlfriend but be gentle and considerate of her feelings. Keep in mind that at one point, regardless of disagreements or disappointments, she was the woman you once invested your time to woo and have in your life. Let her know how you currently feel and how the relationship is something you no longer wish to be a part of. Then let her that out of respect for your mother and her home and respect for any friendship that may survive the break-up, it is (use IS and not WOULD, would gives options and you want to be definite) best if she leaves. Always maintain a gentleman-like approach and composure and offer her your help to situate her things elsewhere. Breaking-up is never easy but you can handle things as calm and gentle as possible. It’s an open wound you are dealing with.


Hey Bely,

My name is Alba, I been best friends with this guy Juan for over 10 years. Everyone always says we should date but I have no sexual or physical connection with him, he is like a brother to me. The problem is that he keeps hooking-up with all my friends. I warn my friends that he is a player and even though they say they won’t fall for his games or deny their attraction, they become fatal attraction to him. After he hooks-up with them, he won’t speak to the girls again. Then the girl gets mad at me for staying friends with him. But he is my best friend and I warned my friends… So, what should I do? Am I wrong? Juan never did anything incorrect to me personally. I literally have lost at least 6 friends to his antics. Help me!!!

-Alba

Long island, NY

No, you are not doing anything wrong. If anything your “friends” are the one’s who are really showing their true colors. You were a friend to them by warning them about Juan’s ways and they are not showing you the same friendship by not remaining your friend after their fling. You have absolutely nothing to do with the choices they decide to make at the end of the day when they use their own judgment. A good friend will be there in the good and in the bad as you are to both, Juan and your girl friends. Their actions should only show you the weak character they possess. They can’t take responsibility for the consequences their actions bring and feel the need not only to use you as a form to get-back at Juan after things go wrong but a form to get to Juan before things go anywhere. They are being inconsiderate of your feelings and giving you an ultimatum to choose between friendships when in-fact their drama is not by any means yours-this isn’t a love triangle. But Juan isn’t free of all sin either. He has part blame in this two-way drama he creates for himself. He should have a little respect and go after other girls not necessarily the ones he is guaranteed to see again. By hooking-up with your friends he is setting himself up for drama which leads me conclude he likes it. He is also being selfish not to consider the situation he is putting you in. Both, Juan and your girl friends, are putting you up against a wall. You are doing good by being a friend and giving your girl friends the heads-up. It only shows how genuine you are to care.


Why do guys pursue a girl and then play hard to get?

-Confused

Newark, Ca

Don’t be confused. There is a really simple explanation to why guys pursue a girl and then play hard to get, it’s called: The Chase. Guys love to chase after a girl. It is part of the excitement. Chasing a girl makes things so much more interesting for a guy. Once the guy gets the girl, whether it be establishing a committed relationship or simply having their full attention, it gives him the opportunity to turn the tables around. Unfortunately many of the times, it is the guy who completely stops pursuing the girl after he has accomplished to obtain their interest by having the girl fully focus on him. When the guy has managed to get the girl to chase after him, he plays hard to get and he is compensated by an ego boost he has managed to take by playing games. And playing games will lead to more games which will result in the part-taking of games from guys that have no game. You understand that conversation? Ok then. Hope you are one step up above the game and are no longer confused. And if you find yourself in the game where he is playing hard to get-stop, throw some lip-gloss on ‘em soup coolers and turn that game back around. If he’s playing hard to get, you play harder to get and see who wins that round. Two can play any game. But I don’t recommend you engage in them. Any one who wants your attention will do so through your heart.


I dated this guy for a while and I was really beginning to like him. After 2 months of dating, he completely started ignoring me. His phone calls and text messages completely stopped with no explanation whatsoever. Maybe, a week after that happened I would text him, and I know text show no emotion, but his text felt so cold so I stopped. One thing my momma taught me was to never be a rogona, and so I am not lol. This happened 2 -3 months ago. I still see him once in a while because he happens to be my best friend’s brother, so this is just making it harder for me to get over him. Well, we spoke about 1 month ago and he finally gave me an explanation, he blames it on time, no time for me because of school and work. But I see that he parties every weekend with his friends and he is actually seeing another girl, which totally breaks my heart. But my problem is, that whenever he text’s me late at night I quickly reply, si me llama-I answer immediately, si me invita a salir-Im there. I really care about him but this needs to stop. What advice can you give me in finally moving on and leaving him in the past? How can I make him understand that if he doesn’t like me, then he should leave me alone?

-Sylvia

Somewhere in the world, USA

Now this might sound a little harsh so brace yourself, Cupcake. Any communication that takes place late at night between a man and a woman-that is NOT an emergency, is considered a BOOTY CALL! You mentioned that you’re always at his disposition so STOP being available to him. This is why you can’t get over him and move-on. He knows you are always there when he calls on you. Cut the communication and keep it on a hi-bye basis. Unless you two have something other than each other in common, there isn’t anything to converse about. Snip the strings. It doesn’t help either that he’s your bff’s brother because those encounters are expected to occur. But you most definitely have control over how much you speak to him and see him. Don’t let him keep you in his rotation as you obviously know you are not the focus of his attention, since he’s out partying and dating. Don’t let him treat you like a doormat. He will leave you alone once you make it clear to him that you don’t wait on him. He likes that you are willing to come out and play but doesn’t like you enough to engage in a relationship. It seems as though he still wants to do him and that’s why he gave you “the work and school are time consuming” sorry of an excuse to use as an easy way out. That weasel is not worth your time. You as a woman are worth the chase. Drop him like a hot plate.


I’ve lived in Houston, Texas for about 2 years now with my boyfriend and our child. Just like every couple, we have our drama and fights, but there are so many girls that don’t want to see us together. Girls are always making things up to cause us to break-up. I try not to let it get to me but it’s hard to ignore. My boyfriend tells me to brush-it-off but sometimes I break down and it hits me hard. It always causes my boyfriend and me to fight over this. I tend to blame it on him because they are his old friends, who are girls. What do you suggest I do? I can’t confront them because they act real childish and I really just want to lose my patience and get violent! What could I do to not let it get to me as bad?

-Erika

Houston, TX

First things first, don’t cry mama. Be flattered that those girls have nothing better to do other than to invest their time into figuring out how they could ever have what you are blessed to have. Next, talk to your hombre. I always stress the importance of communication; it is key in any relationship. Have a one-way conversation where you talk while and he listens and vice versa, without interrupting one another. It is unnecessary to argue with your man simply because it is something that can be resolved without escalating your temper. Don’t allow yourself to give too much importance to something you already know has no truth. However, I can understand how the re-occurring situation could wear you down. In this case, you want to make sure your man is giving you your place as his woman. He should not allow his female friends to cause you such torment with their non-sense. If his lines of communication are still open to them, then he should close them as well as tell them he will not have this any longer. We must also recognize that girls can be very stubborn and disregard everything, anything and anyone. Next time you feel this issue will bring you to argue, support each other instead. Stand strong together in unity as the family you are and overcome. Don’t go against each other, come together. The sad reality of things is that misery will for all time love company. Do not succumb to them. Rise above them.


Nine5Four The Magazine: ask Bely H. Bely’s passion for music drove her to receive a Bachelors Degree in Print Journalism from the University of California, Fullerton. She also completed an internship at Latino 963, a radio station that lead her to discover a dormant passion. Sandra Pena, Latino’s mid-day on-air personality, took Bely under her wing and taught her as well as mentored her about radio. Bely is now heard on klasfm.com Thursdays from 2-2:30pm PST

Bely has two passions, music and writing, and has satisfied them in two different areas: radio and now as a columnist writer for Nine5Four Magazine in Ask Bely. You can email her your questions at askbely@Nine5Four.com and see what amazing solutions she has for you!

Last modified on Wednesday, 01 February 2012 14:00

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